Wednesday, December 22, 2010

On the other side of Christmas

     Wow! My first Christmas as a mortal. Sure will be different from the other side. Trust me when I tell you the holiday season is busier for us than it is for you.
     First of all there's weary travelers to take care of, and drunks to see home in one piece. There's ensuring that even the poorest family finds a peaceful Christmas. And that mankind shows goodwill to one another for at least one day of the year.

     Just preventing salmonella from undercooked turkeys and eggnog in itself is a Christmas miracle.
     But this year I get to experience the good stuff. I get to gorge on turkey, and stuffing. I can drink hot toddys and caesers and beer. And when I've had too much I can caterwaul Christmas carols and slobber on people under the mistletoe.
     They tell me there will be chocolate and candy canes too. Did you notice how all holidays involve enormous amounts of food and/or drink? This one seems to have the most food of all. Is this why you have New Year's Resolutions immediately afterwards?
     I will not be posting next week. I'll be back again on January the sixth, so I want to wish everyone a fantastic and safe holiday. Merry Christmas!

photo by: nuttakit

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Ode to voluntary Christmas Misery


     I remember the first Christmas carols. How your ancestors performed them door to door and on street corners. This was of course before the iPod or MP3 player. Even before Walkmans and vinyl records.
     I remember how delightful it was that your species sang dozens of joyous hymns to celebrate a single day.
     I mean you certainly don’t do that for any of your other holidays. You seldom hear a jig for St. Patrick’s Day-or a chorus for a Halloween. Well…There are songs for other holidays, but not with the same exuberance as you have for that Jesus fellow and his chubby friend.
     I loved how your forefathers burst into song for their own entertainment and that of their neighbors.
     Then some diabolical genius invented the PA system. Things have never been the same since. Everywhere you go, Christmas music follows you. Throughout the malls and grocery stores, blaring through speakers and transmitted through airwaves like some malevolent form of mind control.
     It’s relentless! It’s evil! It’s self-induced! I mean really-How many Christmas CDs do you need when you are surrounded by it at every angle? And I have news for you. They are all the SAME SONGS! Just sung by different people.
     This smacks of self-torture not unlike ‘exercise’. Why don’t you people go all the way with it? Why not do your aerobics to Christmas music and drive yourselves ALL the way insane?

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Purchase till I plummet! :)

     There are no malls in Eden. Nor are there escalators or bits of plastic to buy things with.

     As I am experiencing my first Christmas on your world, I am told it is appropriate to buy gifts for your favorite humans, and they in turn will buy them for you. This is exciting!

     And exhausting. I have journeyed the length of this gargantuan structure known as 'West Edmonton Mall', and endured the circular ritual of parking. I have enjoyed  ingesting the vast varieties of food in your courts, and cheerfully tolerated that warm chicken-noodle-goat smell you humans get when you wear your jackets indoors.  And this is the holiday you humans celebrate for  Jesus? Just so you know, he didn't wear red, or have a white beard. (I met him before he came to your planet. Nice fellow, highly idealistic.) But I would love to know-What did you get for your favorite humans?
     For my chosen male copulation partner I have chosen a military grade tomahawk, a leggo man flashlight, organic sake with a genuine sake serving set, and fifty pounds of feta cheese. Do you think he'll like it?

     By the way, why do they call it a 'Master' card? My  favorite male says I'll find out when the bill arrives.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

This cold is too common

I hab my first code. I don't like it bery much. My nobe is running, my head feels full, and I ab sneebing my head off. Bery ubpleasant.

When I get back to Eden I'b going to ask the Energy why It invented germbs. What ib the purpose ob millions ob tiny bacteria that create snot? What purpose does snot serve? How can one body create so much of it?

It might be different ib it was useful. But all it does ib fill copious abmounts of Kleenexes. What the point ob that?

Nob to mention the violent snot anb saliva projections. I hab difficulty uberstanding why the Energy would like us to share these germbs.

I hab a theory. Perhabs this is a different Realm of Life that I prebiously didn't know about. Maybe this is a different universe where all the inhabitants are germs trying to reproduce and expand territory in a humban host? Can dou imagine? How horrible do you have to be to reincarnate into a germb?

*photo by Arvind Balaraman

Thursday, November 25, 2010


     I am impressed. You humans are only using about ten percent of your brains and the vast majority of you have no ability to read each others thoughts or experience each others feelings. Yet you have technologically advanced well enough to write and speak to each other across the entire planet.

     The Energy told me you were a resourceful species, and It was correct. In fact, if it wasn't for your various forms of communication, my mission would not have been what it was.
     I am old enough to remember how excited our kind was when Alexander Graham Bell made it possible for you to speak to each other directly across vast distances. If he could see you all now. What would he say if he knew his modest little telephone would lead to the internet? Or to cell phones, with millions of people carrying telephones around like pocket watches?
     Your kind, in these generations have the ability to speak to people in other countries within minutes. Can you not use them to discuss your vast differences?

     I have no doubt your species will strive to do more with your technology. Indeed, it would not surprise me if you learned to hard-wire your precious cell phones and computers to your head. Wouldn't it be interesting if you could program empathy?

*photo by xedos4 at

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Drawn to cartoons

     It was a quiet Saturday morning. All quiet in the house. Not a creature was stirring. So I turned on the TV, and found a cartoon mouse! You people seems to have a thing for cartoon mice. There's Mickey, and Jerry, Pinky and the Brain...Itch. Or is it Scratchy? Oh and don't forget the Biker Mice from Mars! (I've met biker mice-and they don't come from Mars and they're not as buff.)

     I knew I liked television-It's fascinating what you can get out of such a small box-but until I discovered cartoons, I had not quite grasped the true joy of sitting glued to one spot and staring mindlessly at a screen full of  scripted images. In fact, these manufactured images are really funny before I've had my first coffee, but they're even funnier after about nine cups.

     I like them all! Even the one with the coyote and the roadrunner even though every episode features absurd situations that would never happen in real life. I didn't spend a lot of time on your planet previously, but I can assure you I've never seen a coyote building rockets. And I'm positive that if you throw one off a cliff, it will not get up and walk away-nor will it sound like an accordian.

     I REALLY like the superhero ones! The ones with brightly colored costumes that fly through the air? Makes me wish I'd worn tights and a cape when I could still fly. Come to think of it, I saved people, I saved the world. Where's MY cartoon?

Friday, November 12, 2010

Plain cave-speak

This post was post-phoned for one day out of respect for Rememberance day.

     It is of great interest to me how your language has changed over the centuries. I expected eventually your species would eventually learn to clarify what you said when you realized 'Ugg' didn't get your point across.

     I even expected it when your kind moved away from Latin and Hebrew and created your own languages, such as Cantonese, Italian and English.

     What I didn't really expect, is how you would learn how to mangle your own speech patterns and twist words around to mean entirely different things. Remember when something 'fantastic' meant something truly horrifying-like demons? Now it means something that is really interesting, or 'cool'. (Don't get me started on THAT word.) Truth be told, some of the things you humans find fantastic horrify me anyway-like fast cars and scary movies.

     What about 'outrageous'? When I see old Grammy footage from the eighties I asked myself why getting an award so offended Lionel Ritchie. And why was he smiling? Sigh.

     And you are still doing it-even when you are on your computers. You are skipping steps as you go. What about LOL and BTW. Are you too lazy to type 'By the Way'? The faster your lives get, the shorter and more abrupt your speech becomes.

     I suspect it won't be long until your kind goes back to saying things like 'Ugg.'

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Java Script

OMGgzzIlovecoffee! IjustdiscoveredTimHortonsandStarbucksandSecondCupandtassimo. Didyouknowyoucangetcoffeeindifferentflavors? Withhazelnutandvanilla? Andyoucanputstuffinitlikesugarandcreamandandsweetwhitestuffontop?
thesoundbarrierwhileI'matit. EverywhereIlookIseeallkindsofshopsdedicated
homeaswell! Andyoucandrinkitinrestaurantsinplainsightofeveryonewithout
givemewillIeversleepagaininthislifetime?ItslikeapowerfuldrugandIthinkIcandoanything! Icanflyagain! Moohoohaha! Howcomenooneelseisfreakingout? AmItheonlyonehighonthisstuff? Isitaddictive? IthinkI'maddicted. AmIbeingparanoid? Areyoupeoplesurethisstuffislegal?

Thursday, October 28, 2010

My first Halloween as a human

I've never experienced this holiday as a mortal.
I'm not very frightened. It's a lot different now than the earlier days when your species was much younger and less advanced.

It was believed back then that the borders between the dimensions got thinner around that time of year, which was correct.  It only happened once a year but demons found the portals from Eden to Earth and snuck through to eat your ancestors. Not many, mind you, but enough to scare the lice off medieval man.

We did our best over the years to slay the monsters before they did too much damage. And your forefathers thought their jack-o-lanterns worked! Oh that was funny...It was us! We killed the demons and kept them away until we were finally able to close the portal and set up a guard.

Then Samhain started teasing the Gaels and chased the vikings back to their longboats with demon masks made of wood. The Energy was not amused. It was so upset it took away Samhain's flying privileges and grounded him-indefinitely. That's a long time when your lifespan can be measured in centuries.

So a few hundred years later Hallow's Eve has changed. Instead of cowering inside your homes on that night, you wear costumes and beg for candy. What I don't understand is why do you send your miniatures out to do it? Apparently your species no longer fears the night if you are willing to send your nestlings out in it. Interesting.

Perhaps it is that your love of treats conquers your terror? Not that I blame you. I have seen the delicious varieties available from complete strangers. There's chocolate bars, chips, toffees, hard candies and more! I can't wait to eat it all!

Of course this means more exercising....Okay, now I'm scared.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Plane, car and boat blues

I realize the Energy didn't give you wings in this realm, like It did in Eden, but that doesn't mean you need to hurry your journey back to heaven with your methods of getting from one place to another in THIS dimension!

I have journeyed on water, land and in the air in my short stay on your planet, and it is clear you people don't understand the concept of 'smooth travel'. Oh, how I miss my wings...

Last week someone suggested I trying fishing...on a boat. This involves spine-jarring wave jumping at speeds that drill bugs into your pores. THEN you perch precariously for hours on the fragile surface of a substance you can't breathe in should you fall into it. Oh yes, that sounds most amusing.

Then there's driving. Did I mention traffic? Hundreds of you roaring back and forth past each other like jousting knights, oblivious to how close you are to cracking into each other. (I find it very useful to inform the person driving of this fact. It makes them more careful-you can tell by the gritting of their teeth that they're taking my advice seriously.)

Flying is somewhat better, but certainly flexible feathered wings work better in turbulence. More control. How come you don't make airplanes with flapping wings anyway? That reminds me...What are the little brown bags for?

You know what would be even better? I don't suppose you people could LEARN to evolve, could you? Grow wings of your own?

Thursday, October 14, 2010

For the love of peanut butter

I love peanut butter...It's the first thing I ate when I got here. I love it's smooth creamy texture, its sweet and salty stickiness. How you can put it on anything-like bread, crackers, celery, marshmallows and cauliflower.

No, we didn't have peanut butter in Eden. We never thought of such a thing. Nor did we think about things like food preparation.  It was always warm, so we never needed fire. We didn't eat the animals so we never needed to cook.

We ate our fruits, vegetables and legumes raw, drank pure spring water....Hundreds of years of raw, boring same old food. How did I survive without Chinese noodles? Or Italian lasagna? Or Colombian coffee? Or baklava? I like baklava.

You humans are so lucky to have such a diverse menu! Every culture from all over the world has a different way of looking at it. I have to try it all! I work at it all day.

Which brings me to the extra padding...I SWEAR I thought I was evolving extra parts. Turns out my parts are just getting bigger.
One of my favorite humans brought me to the solution, which turns out to be 'Dance Class'....This activity involves jumping, clapping, stomping and much huffing and puffing.
It turns out you people never change. You claim to have outlawed torture. I think you just changed the name to 'exercise'. And you do it in voluntary groups. I can't believe you pay for this.
You people are sick.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

From loincloths to tacky vests

How lucky you humans are! You have as many as four seasons! (But for some reason I've been told Canada only has two.) And fall is a lovely one.

 It's a lot of fun to jump into huge heaps of leaves too, but does this ritual usually involve the cursing and swearing of the human with the rake? What purpose does it serve?

Speaking of weird rituals, I have just witnessed your male bonding rites known as hunting. This involves donning orange vests along with other garments in brown and green. (When I obsessed about fashion last week, I had no idea men wore such ugly costumes for their manhood rites. And these colors don't even look good together!)

 Then they perch in one spot for hours. Waiting. Why can't you men use this skill for when we try on clothing at the mall?

And they cheat! Guns against antlers? Of course the Energy didn't give you horns of your own, but when your species was younger, the playing field was a little more fair. All that running away was great exercise too. Of course your kind didn't always live through the encounter.

Oh....I get it. Nevermind.

Thursday, September 30, 2010

What happened to the loincloth?

     I've been watching your species for a long time. I've watched you wear nothing but fur to keep yourselves warm, and metal to protect yourselves in battle. Centuries pass, cultures evolve and clothing serves different functions.

     So where was I when you people developed 'fashion'? Since my arrival here I've been bombarded with names, labels, and styles in various shapes and colors. I can't believe how you humans took a practical thing like clothing and turned it into 'a statement'! I thought a statement was a verbal thing, not a piece of cloth!

     You still wear metal, but now it's decorative, and you call it jewelry or accessories. (Though I'll admit, it's pretty and shiny, and I'm addicted to owning as much of it as I can)
And is there really a difference between things like a brazilian bikini and a thong? Neither one covers your bum.

     Personally, I'd rather be naked, but apparently I can be arrested for that. What if I cover my behind with an orange hankerchief? Can I call that fashion?

Thursday, September 23, 2010

New kid on the globe

Interesting place you have here....

My name is Thoeba, and I come to you from Eden.

I'll be the first to admit I haven't spent a lot of time in your realm before. I used to think your species was not unlike a ball of angry monkeys playing with matches. You made me nervous, you humans. But now that I've spent more time with your kind, I've learned a lot about you.

 About your different foods, cultures, sports, fashions and belief systems. Fascinating. Did I mention the food? And there's so many different kinds of everything! All packed onto one tiny planet. And your thirst for knowledge and new ideas grows by leaps and bounds! Your technological advances mark you as an ambitious and impatient bunch, but I like it. It's exciting and new for me.

There are so many new things to discover here. I haven't had an adventure like this for decades, and I look forward to sharing them with you each week.